Like any good partner, we at The Ubyssey strive to keep an honest and open line of communication with our loved ones—you, our readers. That being said, it appears that in our recent all-satire edition, published every year, we may have said some things that could have led readers to believe things that are not actually true. If people read our paper and are misled, we take the matter very seriously. To that end, we’d like to make a few formal clarifications from that issue, so as to ensure that students are not misled.

In the article entitled **** **** ***** ******** to the ********** ***** we regret having left readers with the impression that *** Properties Trust *** Mr ** ********* has a panther head chained to his fireplace that he occasionally strokes in a menacing fashion, as we claimed. We do not know what animal Mr ********* chooses to stroke like an evil villain, if indeed he has any animals at all.

On our front page of that issue, we published an article entitled “UBC Farm does not exist: Distraction to activists as Toopé constructs death ray.” Even though less than 1000 people showed up to FarmAde this year, the Farm does in fact exist. Furthermore, Stephen Toope is not, to the best of our knowledge, building a giant death ray, even though that would better explain UBC’s $25 million deficit. We regret these errors.

In an article entitled “Hipsters set to become an endangered species,” it was alleged that Emily Carr ********** offered to bring hipsters to UBC in an effort to procreate and produce new hipsters. We regret leaving readers with the impression that hipsters are bred. Rather, they are created through early exposure to Jim Jarmusch and the Velvet Underground.

In another article entitled “Plant Operations releasing zombie gas into atmosphere,” we alleged that…well, the title speaks for itself. We regret leaving readers with the impression that Plant Operations is doing anything other than just endlessly circling the campus in their army of unassuming blue trucks.

In our events section, we claimed that every Thursday from 7pm–9pm at the Knoll, students can learn how to build a bong. We regret leaving readers with the impression that this happens each week at a specific date and time.

In another article entitled “Joel: SRS didn’t start the fire,” we claimed that ***** Joel told reporters that his organization “didn’t start the fire” that led to 20 UBC students being arrested at Knoll Aid 2.0. We regret leaving readers with the impression that ***** Joel has denied involvement in KnollAid 2.0. To date, Mr Joel has remained silent, neither confirming or denying involvement.

Finally, we regret publishing an all-satire issue of The Ubyssey without explicitly saying in the issue that it was “all-satire.” It was our assumption that students, staff, faculty and anyone else who read the issue would be able to discern the difference between our regular newspaper that appears for the rest of the year, and an issue containing ludicrous headlines such as “Umbrella police storm campus” and “Three cheers for the AMS.” This appears not to have been the case. So, for any and all readers who could not understand this difference, avid conspiracy theorists, and people with no sense of ******, we sincerely ****** ***** ******.

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