Dear Too Sexy,

A while back an attractive member of the opposite sex and I (success!) made our way out of an on-campus bar for a nice “walk.”  Eventually we found ourselves a private spot and got right to it. Now, our location didn’t permit things to go all the way, but there was enough privacy to get pretty far in any case. I held up my end of the bargain, and based on the feedback I was getting I think I did so pretty well. But there’s what’s chapping my ass: there was no reciprocity. None. My partner was content to keep things PG after I finished my work, and time constraints forced us to part ways shortly thereafter. There is no possibility of a second encounter. I was forced to finish what was started on my own, at home.



So, Too Sexy, my question is this: do I have a right to be pissed? Honestly, I feel cheated.  In my humble opinion, when one accepts services such as those that I delivered, one implicitly agrees to reciprocate. If I find myself in this predicament again, is there some way I can make clear my thoughts about such selfishness without coming across as too pushy? On the flipside, does my lack of assertiveness in this case make me a pushover?



—Frustrated One Night Stander



‘Eeeeeeeyyyyyyy FONS,

It’s not just your humble opinion, FONS, it’s our arrogant one too: you got screwed (not literally of course…that’s the problem). However, do try to keep in mind that you don’t have all the facts. The young person in question may have had any number of reasons for failing to toss the ball back. Don’t get pissed about something you had little control over, and in future, don’t be afraid to be politely assertive. If you want to increase your chances, FONS, the best thing to do is to ask.



Communication and sex go together like milk and cookies, so this may be the simplest answer to your conundrum. It’s strange, but some people may not implicitly understand that you’d like to orgasm too. It’s not too pushy to grin and ask “Think you can beat that” or to simply say “Your turn.” If they decline, don’t press the issue (it’s a dick move), but it may be worth delicately asking why. Reasons can range from the immediately fixable (no condom), to the difficult to fix (want to get to know you better), to the entirely understandable and unfortunate (childhood trauma), to the frustrating (person in question is a selfish ass-twat-cock).

If you get an honest answer, do what you can to sort out the problem, but if you can’t, don’t fuss over it. Whining isn’t going to make anyone want to lick your wounds.  Also, keep in mind that people’s boundaries vary and the merest whiff of obligation or pressure, like so many other unpleasant things, can really take the fun out of sexual activity of any kind. Reciprocation is polite, but it’s not a duty, so don’t treat it as such.



Finally, FONS, take the philosophical route and remember: you win some and you lose some. You could try replacing one-directional oral sex with 69ing, but not every locale offers enough space and it can be awkward to arrange. Try making your wishes known up front, and at least you’ll know how things are going to turn out. Other than that, all we can do is remind you that it is in giving that you receive. WWJD?



As for the recipients of these unreturned favours, if you ever find yourself out on the town, suffering from some issue, big or small, that makes returning any favours impossible for you, please warn them before they head south. Even if your reasons are entirely legitimate, it’s rude not to say anything before some poor young thing sprains their tongue on you.



A brief note before we bid you adieu: Too Sexy is always looking for more letters to run. E-mail us at toosexy@ubyssey.ca and we’ll do our best to answer your query in an anonymous and informative manner. Please note, however, that some letters will be edited for length. A hundred words can tickle us just as much as four hundred. In fact, there’s only so much room in our column, so please don’t try to jam a huge letter in here. Size does matter, but how much you say is more important than how many words you use to say it.