Sun-parched readership,

What a week. Improbably, our temperate spring-like weather persists, sustained by situational irony. Note that we say nothing of the impending Winter Games nor the hordes of people now descending on our fair city expecting snowier conditions. Our love for you, gentle readers, like the verdurous shoots of new plants, proliferates ever more exuberantly—and trust us, it was pretty darn exuberant to begin with.

But exuberance is in the air; it’s in the ground and the rain; it’s in the bones of anyone who has ever spent a season wanting or who begins to wake from their self-imposed sleep. It’s time to be clear with ourselves and the world about what we want. Which brings us to today’s letter.

Dear Too Sexy,

My best friend turned partner and I are doing the whole long distance thing. For the past few years, we’ve had a healthy and communicative relationship. So, real talk: we’re comfortable with our kinks. He’s turned on by the idea of me relieving my sexual frustrations outside the relationship, and I have an acquaintance in mind. (Let’s skip the tired debate about what this means for our pure love and if this can even be true. It is what it is, folks. And it’s sexy to us.)

So, here’s the thing. I don’t want to lie to the other guy about the fact that I’m happily committed to my partner. I just want to have me some sex, no strings. Since this my first serious attempt at this unorthodox maneuver, I’m wondering how to swing it. Should I just ask him straight up, or try to gauge if he’s so inclined?

—Wild Rose

Yo, Wild Rose.

We at Too Sexy are big fans of kink. From roleplay to bondage and so on, we just love sexy gameplay. But while being blindfolded and having to guess what’s going on around you is fun in the bedroom, it tends to be less so when trying to negotiate relationships. Sex can be great whether it’s full of games or simply straight-forward, but when establishing relationship bases even with a casual partner, you have to drop the games. So, long story short: you should tell this other guy you’re considering as a casual sex partner what the situation is right away, not just try for subtle gauge-reading.

First off, we’re assuming based on your letter that you don’t want to form a second committed love relationship with this acquaintance in addition to the one you already have with your long-distance boyfriend. Your prospective sex-toy (sorry, acquaintance) needs to know from the get-go that you’re just there to screw around. He may quickly develop feelings for you and not know that those feelings are misdirected until it’s too late. So unless you want to have to hurt his feelings that way, Wild Rose, we recommend full and immediate disclosure—if he starts getting wild romantic ideas after that, at least he’s been warned you have no plans to return his affection.

You also need to inform him of your boyfriend’s involvement as a cuckold fetishist. What you’re saying is that you’re not interested in pursuing an emotional connection with this guy—you and your boyfriend just want to use him as a sex object. That’s fine. In Too Sexy’s humble opinion, that’s really hot, but only if he knows about it and consents to it. Otherwise, it’s just creepy. It’s entirely possible that he’d be into NSA sex with you, but still not so into having all the salacious details spilled over MSN to fulfill another guy’s cuckold fantasies. So tell him ASAP, and if he’s not into it, then it wasn’t meant to be.

As with other forms of kink, in sexually non-exclusive relationships the way in which all parties interpret what’s happening—and by all parties, we mean everyone, not just the ‘more important’ actors in the committed part of the relationship—is the key factor in defining whether what’s going on is actually healthy. To use an extreme example, in sado-masochistic power-based kink relationships, the mental states of the actors make the difference between a healthy relationship of this nature, and domestic abuse.

To interpret what’s going on, Wild Rose, your boy needs information. Even if you are just trying to find out if he’d be open to some NSA sex, if you hold out telling him anything he could end up feeling used and misled, and he’d be right to feel that way.

Thanks a bunch for your letter, and good luck!

Friends, lovers: send your letters to toosexy@ubyssey.ca.