Jubilant readership,

We hope the new term finds you well. We’ve got a great letter this week, so let’s dive right in.

Dear Too Sexy,

I just started dating this guy. Generally, things are great. He’s fun, smart, considerate and oh-so-sexy. There’s just one problem. Whenever I try to bring up the subject of STIs (sexually transmitted infections) and testing he gets really uncomfortable and changes the subject almost immediately. I’ve been suggesting that we go to the clinic and get tested together, just to make sure everything is shipshape before we have sex, but he’s not having any of it.

It’s not that he refuses to get tested outright, but he just seems really awkward about the whole thing. It’s a bit upsetting for me, since I like to try to be as safe as possible in my relationships for the sake of everyone involved. The only thing he’ll really say on the subject is that he hasn’t had sex with that many people, and has always used protection.

Things are moving pretty fast for us sexually. We haven’t had intercourse yet, but we’ve come close, and I want to get this issue resolved before we do. How do I talk about it without seeming mistrustful and without making him feel bad, while still convincing him that getting tested is a good idea?

Thanks!
New Boyfriend’s Protestations Unconvincing

Hey NBPU,

Thanks for your letter. Kudos to you for being so determined to be safe and willing to be the one to take initiative and broach the issue. STIs and safety in relationships can be a sensitive topic for a lot of people. There are many myths surrounding STIs that can make them difficult to talk about with a committed partner. We’ll try to debunk those myths for you.

Myth 1: If you had an STI, you’d know.

A lot of STIs are contagious before they ever show symptoms, so you can get them before there are any physical signs that your partner is sick. More worrisome still, a lot of STIs can be asymptomatic in a lot of cases, which means that the person who has the STI never experiences any adverse physical effects, but still has the illness and can pass it on. Because of this, if you are sexually active, regular testing is the only way to know if you are STI-free or not.

Myth 2: If you’re in a relationship, you’re safe.

If your boyfriend has had even one other partner before you, there is a marginal risk that he has contracted an STI. Sometimes people are less than forthcoming about their sexual histories in relationships or may not know their STI status, which leaves the other partner in the dark about their risk level.

Some STIs, like herpes, can be transmitted non-sexually through cold sores and non-sexual skin-to-skin contact. So unless you’re dating a virgin who has never even been kissed on the cheek by his or her great-aunt, it’s important to insist that your partner gets tested.

Many assume that only “sluts” and people who are sexually careless or reckless get infections, but this isn’t true. It only takes one partner with an STI to infect you, and that one partner can be anything from a casual one-night stand to a long-term partner. Saying “I love you” doesn’t act as a magic barrier that protects against pathogens, so it’s important to take other steps to protect yourself.

Myth 3: If you’re always careful, you won’t get an STI.

Although taking appropriate precautions such as condom use during sexual activity does greatly reduce your risk, it’s still technically possible to catch something. Condoms don’t cover the entire groin area, after all, and genital warts (HPV) and herpes can definitely be spread through skin-to-skin contact in this area. Furthermore, any fluid contact whatsoever carries some risk of transmitting any number of unpleasant surprises (like babies).

Myth 4: If you expect your partner to get tested, you don’t trust Them.

Because a partner may not have been aware of the risk level of their previous sexual situations, it’s important to ask them to get tested regardless of trust. All kinds of STIs can seriously affect your long-term health, causing infertility, chronic pain and genital problems, or even death. This means that even if you trust someone, you shouldn’t just take it on their word that they’re STI-free, since they may not know if they have an STI. Any trustworthy and caring partner will understand that.

Myth 5: STI testing is inconvenient, embarrassing, ETC.

There are lots of clinics in and around UBC that provide free and confidential STI testing, so you don’t have to go far out of your way and no one has to know. The Pine Clinic on 4th Avenue and Maple is a great place to go for regular STI tests if you’re under 24. You don’t need to make an appointment, and you don’t need a Care Card or medical insurance. UBC Hospital also has a general clinic right on campus that offers STI testing. Tests usually involve a simple urine sample or, for HIV, a blood test, making urethral swabs largely a thing of the past.
Sometimes people say that they’d rather not get tested because they’re afraid to find out they have an STI. This is a dangerous attitude, for everyone. Being in the dark about your STI status doesn’t protect you from the harms of having an STI, especially since without treatment these harms escalate and can cause serious permanent damage. Moreover, it doesn’t absolve you of guilt if you pass an STI on to an unwitting partner. It’s everyone’s responsibility to know their STI status and take appropriate steps. Having an STI doesn’t mean an end to your sex life, and it’s better to know your risks so you can be honest with a partner. Trust us, they’ll appreciate it.
That’s all for now, champs. Get out there, get tested, and have fun. And as always, remember to send your sexy, sexy queries to toosexy@ubyssey.ca.