1 Find The Ubyssey office in the basement of the Student Union Building (SUB).
2 Hotbox an elevator in the Rose Garden Parkade and scare Chan Centre patrons as they leave a lovely evening at the theatre.
3 Enter Norm Theatre sober, leave Norm theatre drunk (aka. get fucked up at the feature presentation, or be a sop at the cinema).
4 Climb one of the big blue construction cranes at 3:34am, look death in the face, laugh.
5 Deface the “E” (engineering cairn on Main Mall) with your faculty’s colours.
6 Break into the Botanical Garden.
7 Day of the Longboat: “There are few things better in life than physical exertion in frigid waters while extraordinarily hungover,” were the wise words of my father. It’s a team building experience. Or something like that.
8 Explore the steam tunnels.
9 Do it in the Totem music room—on the piano—’cause your roommate bolted the bedroom door.
10 AgSci Halloween bzzr garden. But don’t ride the bull topless until you’ve had an adequate number of beverages to quell your memory of the shame.
11 Wreck Beach. Studying is sooo much easier without all those restrictive clothes. Added bonus: nekkid people everywhere.
12 Participate in Koerner’s open mic night on a Monday.
13 A night at Tower Beach. War bunkers and starlight and spray paint, oh my.
14 Snowball fight. We don’t like snow that much, but if it’s there, you might as well set up a fortress and launch ice grenades at your mortal enemy (eg. TA). Don’t forget to snag a cafeteria tray and sled down the Knoll, while it’s still around.
15 Got a class near a single-person bathroom? Proposition the classmate you’ve had an eye on all semester.
16 Write or shoot for every student-run print publication on campus.
17 Make an ass of yourself in front of everyone in the room at Karaoke night at the Gallery.
18 No, impress the pants off of every-one in the room at Karaoke night.
19 Jump off the high dive at the Aquatic Centre…in the middle of the night.
20 Skinny dip at Wreck Beach in February, in the middle of the night. Do it drunk, it’s far easier.
21 Play ultimate frisbee on the top of a parkade in the middle of the night, drunk (I hope you’re noticing a common theme).
22 While drunk, take a rock and throw it through a wind…oh crap, did you actually just do that?
23 Smoke on the Knoll.
24 Find the Farm (and then help us find it, if you don’t mind).
25 Sleep on one of the nasty couches in the SUB.
26 Talk to Chairbo.
27 Vote for a joke candidate in the AMS elections.
28 Storm the Wall.
29 Take a dip in the fountain outside Irving K. Barber.
30 Fall mysteriously ill on Tuesday, April 20.
31 Be at a party that the RCMP shuts down.
32 Complain about the RCMP (aka. “the man”) all year.
33 Get slapped with a defamation suit from “the man.”
34 Jump on the bouncy bushes, sober or drunk.
35 See all of the plays at Freddy Wood.
36 Arrive at an exam late. It will happen at least once.
37 Answer a question for Streeters.
38 Attend an Alma Mater Society (AMS) Council meeting just for the free food and leave immediately after.
39 Take mushrooms but don’t tell your friends.
40 Fuck in the bushes.
41 Booze it up at the Graduate Student Society (GSS) meeting.
42 Start a Yoko-Ono-only radio show at CiTR.
43 Join the ski club and break every bone in your body. Twice.
44 Take public transit all the way down to Portland and have the AMS pay for it.
45 Get a tattoo.
46 Get a tattoo on your ass of a hick saying, “What a fuck-up!”
47 University is a time for sexual experimentation. Give a blowjob to someone in the Pit on Pit Night. This goes for guys and gals.
48 Change your look from “Just got fucked Brittney wannabe” to “Just got fucked Emily Haines wannabe.”
49 Take a hit of marijuana, freak out, go to the hospital because you think you’re dying, come down, get drunk, take off all your clothes, hit on a lesbian without knowing it, and light your jacket on fire. Yes, that really happened.
50 Sleep through an exam.
51 Drop acid, run from your demons and try to put your finger in a light socket because “that’s where you died.” Yes, that really happened.
52 Make a porno.
53 Star in a porno.
54 Find Toope’s house.
55 Get your nether regions shaved in front of all of your friends.
56 Wake up in Totem dazed and confused and puke on the way home.
57 Wake up in Vanier dazed and confused and puke on the way home.
58 Wake up in Toope’s bed dazed and confused and puke in his $15 million bathroom.
59 Wake up in Chairbo’s chair dazed and confused and puke on the way home.
60 Become addicted to Facebook. Have it ruin your life.
61 Find God and start doing interpretive Christian dance to tell the unwashed heathen of UBC about the Good News.
62 Find Satan and become the creepy person who tells strangers about your career painting portraits of serial killers.
63 Sleep in MASS (Arts lounge in Buchanan).
64 Find a secret hole in the bathroom wall when drunk in Buchanan D. Go down the magical ladder. Sleep next to a giant machine. Come back out and continue to drink, keeping your magical journey a secret from everyone. Oops.
65 Drink with the Radical Beer Faction to show your solidarity with the cause.
66 Find a porn tape in the lost and found.
67 Smoke in the SUB.
68 Get safewalked.
69 Get safewalked drunk.
70 Refuse a safewalk because you’re too drunk.
71 Chat with the homeless guy living in the SUB and buy him a beer. Everyone loves a beer.
72 Live with six other friends in a big house just off campus and get evicted due to high noise levels.
73 Go on a roadtrip with a group of friends. Try not to die.
74 Stereotype the people you meet with dreadlocks to be vegan hippies who only eat locally grown organic food and have a pet carrot named Sunshine.
75 Manage to attend all your morning classes at least once.
76 Meet someone on Craigslist. Fall in love—maybe not.
77 Get those yam fries from Mahoney’s.
78 Get those apples from the annual Apple Festival at the Botanical Gardens.
79 Get food poisoning after eating Chinese take-out from the Village.
80 Play bocce during class time on Main Mall and make as many “ball” jokes as possible.
81 Get inspired and change your courses.
82 Get inspired and change your major.
83 Get inspired and change your gender.
84 Try out for a Thunderbird varsity team despite failing to meet all of the physical qualifications.
85 Learn about equity. Talk to Tim Chu.
86 Make a YouTube video that gets you in trouble with the equity office.
87 Label yourself bisexual, tell everyone how bisexual and open-minded you are, and then never act on it.
88 Sleep with a TA.
89 Find Ron Boring and eliminate him.
90  Play “Campus Golf.”
91 Read every issue of The Ubyssey. Har har.

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